a splendid duck-billed platypus - How To Handle A Homophobe

04:06 pm: How To Handle A Homophobe

Good advice for people whose friends are bigots, any flavour:

You know a few. Don't try to tell me you don't. And you even get along with some of them, because many homophobes have other fine qualities which make them hard workers, good friends, and charming dinner guests. So there may be a couple lurking around in your party. If they rear their ugly heads, it is your responsibility as the host to gently push their snouts back into the mud and filth from which they have truculently emerged.

The rebuff should match in tone, severity and intensity the nature of the offense. If your guest has committed an accidental heinosity out of thoughtlessness or ignorance--for instance, saying, "Oh, why didn't you bring your wife along?" to Alan after he mentions that he's married, simply pointing out the error politely is the most appropriate response. After that, the response elevates with the level of intentional offensiveness. A sample graduated scale is appended below:

"Y'know, I don't see why they think they should be able to get married just like normal people."
- "Well, Joe Bob, there are some folks who would say the same about rednecks like yourself."

"So these two lesbians walk into a bar..."
- "So these 50 bigots walk into the Republican convention..."

"Why should we fund AIDS research when it's clearly God's judgment on revolting perverts?"
- "I'm sorry, did you not see the NO ASSHOLES sign as you came in? I displayed it clearly above the door..."

"Sorry, I can't sit next to him, faggots make me sick."
- "Well, I'm afraid the only way I can accomodate your disability is by hog-tying you and tossing you out into the barn, where you will eventually be able to enjoy the dinner when it arrives in the form of pig slop."

Now, these responses may appear rude to you, but remember that your guest was rude first. Your job as host is to provide a pleasant and relaxing atmosphere for your guests, and if one of your guests is making it impossible for you to do that, well, it's polite to take him out behind the woodshed and give him a good hiding. Metaphorically speaking. Most 'phobes who trumpet this sort of swill do so because they assume no one will mind. If you make it clear that you do mind and you are offended, ten to one says your guest will back down and apologize. It's probably too much to hope for to think that this may also cause your 'phobe to reevaluate his opinion of gay people, but at least you can probably get him to shut up for the duration of the party. If not, it's hog-tyin' and eatin' slop in the barn for him. This is your party, and you'll tie if you want to. (From A Straight Person's Guide To Gay Etiquette, by the Plaid Adder)

Or, as another participant in the discussion said: "I think the big question of this particular imbroglio isn't "How do white folk write CoC well?" but 'HOLY SHIT did she really just SAY that?'"

Current Mood: uncomfortable

Purr at me

Comments

From:	melancharisbron
Date:	dayordJanuary 2009 10:38 am (UTC)

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This whole thing was blowing up on my f-list over at LJ just as I was hitting the stomach bug-two exams phase of existence. So, I knew something was going on, about which friends were arguing, sometimes vociferously, and I just kept my eyes and head away from it all. No boasting, just a simple realization that I just did not have the time.

So, I'm grateful to you for having followed this a bit for me. The advice about dealing with bigots one lets remain in one's social circle is clarifying and, I suspect, might have to be employed by me sometime soon... (Someone who in previous years had a good gift for friendship, particularly when I was still in the throes of untreated depression, has been unable to cope with the Obama victory, and gives every indication of having listened to the opposition only to the extent of being able to reverse what that person clearly believes are tactics and not sincerely expressed reactions...)

More than you needed to know,... I'm blaming post-exam blah, leading to keyboard diarrhea. *wink*

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From:	yonmei
Date:	dayordJanuary 2009 10:45 am (UTC)

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Oh, I can't say I've followed it all. But several of the people involved are on my f-list, as are several people not-involved who have been watching with rather painful reactions, and I have read bits of it.

That final two-line summary, while I don't suppose it's the end of it all, did seem to sum it up for me.

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From:	afrai
Date:	dayordJanuary 2009 02:39 pm (UTC)

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Thanks for this, yonmei. I read what Elizabeth Bear said and was so taken aback I was just -- I thought, "She is wrong", but then I started wondering if I was demanding too much of people, if I was too biased. This excerpt is a really good reminder that it's not too much to demand. And it is excellent advice.

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From:	yonmei
Date:	dayordJanuary 2009 03:13 pm (UTC)

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What bothered me MOST about what Elizabeth Bear said was that she viewed her behaviour - which I'd thought was pretty good - as "taking one for the team". Because, what team?

Argh. *mutters* No, I do not think you are demanding too much.

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